Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
