I showed him my bush... on skype.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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