Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
