im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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