hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
