You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize