I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
