I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize