i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
