Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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