am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
