My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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