I was born with a shot glass in my hand
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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