I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
