he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
