I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
