you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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