Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
