On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
