she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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