I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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