Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
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