Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
