Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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