I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
