i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
