Pregnant stripper...not hot.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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