11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
