Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
