When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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