Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize