i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
