During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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