would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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