Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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