i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
