i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
