people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
