in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
