Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
