Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
