so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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