I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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