im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
