If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
