When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
