I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
