she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
