sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
