You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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