Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
