Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
