Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
