stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
