Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
