I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
