I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize