Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
someone owes me an orgasm
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
