The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
