You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
