When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
