If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
