Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
