so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
