i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
